The WINTER of my life

AND THEN IT WAS WINTER (copied)

       
        You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.  It seems just yesterday that I  was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate.  Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the  years went.  I know that I lived them all.  I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams here are some pearls.

        But, here it is, the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did it get here so fast?  Where did the years go and where did my youth go?  I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

        But, here it is...my friends are retired and getting grey...they move slower and I see an older person now.  Some are in better and some worse shape than I am...but, I see the great change...Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant...but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.

        And  so...now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!  But, at least I know that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...this I know, that when it's over on this earth...it's not over.  A new adventure will begin!  Yes, I have regrets. There are  things I wish I hadn't done...things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime.

        So, if you're not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. Whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it quickly!  Don't put things off too long!! Life goes by quickly.  Do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!  You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life...so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

        "Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.  Make it a fantastic one.  LIVE IT WELL! ENJOY  TODAY!  DO SOMETHING FUN!  BE HAPPY!  HAVE A GREAT DAY! Remember "It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver."  LIVE HAPPY IN 2013!  LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING: TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER  BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER  BE. SO - ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.

        ~Your kids are becoming you......but your grandchildren are perfect!  ~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!  ~You forget names.... But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!! ~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything.... Especially golf.  ~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore. ~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called "pre-sleep".

        ~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..  ~You tend to use more 4 letter words... "what?"..."when?"... ~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.  ~You notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!! ~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.  ~Everybody whispers. ~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet....2 of which you will never wear again. ~~~But Old is good in some things:  Old Songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

SHOPPING TRIP

Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recently hit..no flies, no smell.. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen..'

Come on, Ellen, let's just go...'But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, 'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.. .'

She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria. They went through the serving line and sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk.

But not for long! As they ate, they noticed a large woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.

It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of that woman!' Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the large woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure.. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.

Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the large woman with the red gingham shirt emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.

Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors....... ......... the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!

God does take care of those who do bad things!
AND once in a while...He allows us to witness.

SHAKE IT OFF

From the album: Wall Photos

By James H Cook Jr

"JUST SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP ON UP"

Years ago in rural Georgia, there was a farmer who had a mule named Ol’ Clyde. One day Ol’ Clyde fell into a deep dry well and began to cry loudly. Hearing his mule cry, the farmer came over and assessed the situation. The well was deep and knowing that Ol’ Clyde had gained a lot of weight over the years and was heavy, the farmer knew it would be difficult, if not impossible, to lift the animal out.

Because Ol’ Clyde was also old as well as too heavy to lift--and the well was dry--the farmer decided to bury the animal in the well. This way, as folks had to be very practical in those days, the farmer could solve two problems: put the old mule out of his misery and have his well filled at the same time. He called upon his neighbors to help him and they agreed. And off to work they went. Shovel full of dirt after shovel full of dirt began to fall on the mule's back. Ol’ Clyde became hysterical!

Then all of a sudden, an idea came to the brute beast. Each time they would throw a shovel full of dirt on his back he would shake it off and step up. And that’s exactly what he did. Shovel full after shovel full, Ol’ Clyde would shake it off and step up on the new pile of dirt.

At last, exhausted and dirty, but quite alive, the mule stepped up and over the top of the well and walked through the crowd!

How about that for a dumb ol’ mule? But, hey, what a great attitude that would be for you and me. What a great way for us all to approach life. Think about it, the next time you’re in too deep to get out and some folks just keep piling on, “Just shake it off and step on up!”

PUNS

Puns for Educated Minds


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Getting Old

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind,

can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.

IMPORTANT NOTICE

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices, because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

Who's On First!!!!!

CREATIVE MINDS BY JOE MCKEEVER

Joe McKeever

"Your words have stood men on their feet." Job 4:4

March 28, 2009

Creative Minds, Great Quotes

"Tragically, in most churches the pain of change is greater than the pain of ineffectiveness." -- Thom Rainer in "Simple Church."

My longtime friend, Max Youngblood of Bessemer, Alabama, sent us a delightful thing from the Birmingham area. The Jefferson County Commission is proposing a "non-user fee" for residents who do not use the county sewer system. Well, sir, that gave restaurant owner Tasos Touloupis an idea. The owner of Ted's Restaurants -- one at 328 12th St. South and the other at 1801 4th Avenue South -- has proposed a "non-diner's fee."

The way it works is this: Ted's will maintain a record of customers. At the end of each month, his bookkeeper will send a $12 NDF invoice to all residents of Jefferson County who did not eat at Ted's during the month.

Sounds like a deal, doesn't it.

In these times of economic uncertainty, our churches will need to become more creative in generating income. How does a "non-member's tithing" system sound?

Up in Alexandria, Louisiana, my friend Devona Able was at her computer the other evening. Her wonderful eight-year-old Grace Anne, looking over her shoulder, noticed an e-mail from "Dr. Joe McKeever." She asked, "Is he a doctor?" Mom answered, "Yes, but not like Dr. Marzullo (her pediatrician)."

Grace Anne said, "Oh, so he must be a doctor like Dr. Brooks (Calvary, Alexandria). They're like doctors of love because they teach people what love really means and that it comes from Jesus."

"Yeah, baby," mom said. "Something like that."

Out of the mouths of babes. (So, just call me "Doctor Love." Wait, on second thought, that sounds like a rap artist.)

Plundering the office closet, I ran across my scribbled notes from the one time I attended the annual pastors conference at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago (that would be May 30-June 1, 1978). I had already "latched onto" (preacher talk for "I really, really liked this guy!") Warren Wiersbe who was soon to transition from pastoring Chicago's Moody Memorial Church to becoming the on-air teacher for the Back-to-the-Bible broadcast.

Wiersbe's message, based on Psalm 78, was titled "What a Difference the Right Man Makes!" It's great stuff, and wears well three decades later.

Introduction: When God wanted to

--start a Jewish nation, He called a shepherd (Abraham).

--Build the Jewish nation, He called a shepherd (Jacob).

--Protect the Jewish nation, He called a shepherd (Joseph).

--Straighten out the Jewish nation, He called a shepherd (David).

That's still God's answer to the basic needs in the ministry today. Psalm 78:72 goes: "So he shepherded them according to the integrity of his heart, and guided them by the skillfulness of his hands."

I. God's people have a need: feeding and leading.

That's why shepherds exist for the flock. David's predecessor, Saul, was not a shepherd, but a hireling. (See John 10:12-13) The opposite of feeding is exploiting. 
If you don't feed the sheep, they start eating things they should not.

II. God has a need: a man to be the shepherd for His people.

But not just any man. David was "a man after God's own heart." God is a shepherd, Jesus a shepherd, Paul and Peter were shepherds.

--A shepherd is a servant. No one has the right to lead who hasn't learned how to serve. Novice's profession is louder than his possession.

--a shepherd is compassionate. Psalm 78:71 "following ewes with their young"

--a shepherd is skillful. "the skillfulness of his hands" (vs. 72).

III. God's man has a need: "integrity" -- 78:72

"Integrity" means united, wholeness, oneness. It is the opposite of a divided life. (James 1)

--Jesus spoke of this in the Sermon on the Mount. "Seek first the Kingdom of God." A united heart. "If the eye is single." A united mind. "No one can serve two masters." A united will.

--Put to death the alternatives. Make the decision once and for all.

--The result is the integrity of person, purpose, preaching.

Jerry Jenkins spoke at that conference. This was years before he and Tim LaHaye made history in Christian publishing with their "Left Behind" series. Two quotes from Jerry:

"Most people do not want to write; they want to have written."

"Writing a book is like giving birth to a bale of barbed wire." (And that's what I'm trying to do this year! Triplets even!)

And the inimitable Vance Havner spoke. (This veteran evangelist, in a class by himself in every category imaginable, always made me think of something Alice Longworth Roosevelt said of Calvin Coolidge: "He looks like he was weaned on a pickle." He was a prophet in many ways.)

Dr. Havner gave us four tests for preachers: truth, temptation, trouble, time. He said, "These don't get much attention from pulpit committees, but the Lord puts a lot of value on them."

Truth: Most of our preachers think of truth as a body of doctrine, but it's actually the Lord Jesus Christ.

Temptation: There's no sin in being tempted. Jesus was tempted.

Trouble: The storm tests the house. "If your faith is no good in the dark, it's not worth much in the daylight."

In Hebrews 11, in the summary toward the end of the chapter, there are two groups: those who won great victories and those who died for the Lord. Be ready for either.

"God did not die to make us happy, but to make us holy."

Problems will either make you better or bitter.

Time: Steadfastness. Can you see a job through? (Dr. Havner spoke of wanting to die before he lost control of his faculties. Asked us to pray for him to that end. He died in 1986, but I do not know the details.) He said, "The Lord preserves the saints, not pickles them."

The lineup of other speakers that week included Howard Hendricks, John MacArthur, David Howard, Erwin Lutzer, S. M. Lockridge, and Ross Rhoads (seven years later, Ross and I became neighboring pastors in Charlotte). I heard as many as I could.

What was I doing traveling all the way from Columbus, Mississippi, to Chicago for that conference? Frankly, I had become bored with all the SBC conferences I had been attending. The same speakers were on all the programs. So, I decided to go somewhere different. It was a grand week and its memory is fresh today. As I recall, the fee for the conference was around $60, and on the last day, they gave us that amount in books from their publishing house. These folks do know how to bless a preacher!

YOUR TIME IS COMING

When you wake up in the morning, push your elbows out away from your body. If you don't strike wood, you haven't been buried yet.

When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts, you will know you are dead.

When you wake up in the morning and can get out of bed by yourself, it's the beginning of a GREAT day.

Then check the obituaries in the morning newspaper and, if your name isn't there, get dressed.

OBFUSCATE

A blogger I was reading today used this word. I had to look it up:

ob⋅fus⋅cate

    [ob-fuh-skeyt, ob-fuhs-keyt]  Show IPA

–verb (used with object), -cat⋅ed, -cat⋅ing.

1.	to confuse, bewilder, or stupefy.

2.	to make obscure or unclear: to obfuscate a problem with extraneous information.

3.	to darken. The word he used to describe someone else is exactly what he did in his Blog. I am in a state of OBFUSCATION. Yes, that is a word.

INVESTMENT BANKING

Investment Banking Idea

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.'"

Chuck replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said," 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.

HOW OLD AM I?

---

How old am I ? 

 

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end.   

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. 
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. 

The Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

 

'   television

'    penicillin 

'    polio shots

'    frozen foods

'    Xerox

'    contact lenses

'    Frisbees and 

'    the pill

There were no:

'   credit cards 

'    laser beams  

'    ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

'    pantyhose

'   air conditioners

'    dishwashers

'    clothes dryers

'    and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and 

'    man hadn't yet walked on the moon 

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . And then lived together. 

Every family had a father and a mother. 

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' 

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. 

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.  

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. 

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. 

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.  

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.  

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.  

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.  

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.  

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.  

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk  

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.  

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. 

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. 

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. 

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. 

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . But who could afford one?

 

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.  

In my day: 

'   'grass' was mowed, 

'    'coke' was a cold drink, 

'   'pot' was something your mother cooked in and 

'  'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.  

'   'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,  

'   ' chip' meant a piece of wood, 

'    'hardware' was found in a hardware store and 

'     'software' wasn't even a word.

 

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.   No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a generation gap . . .  And how old do you think I am? 

I bet you have this old man in mind . . . you are in for a shock! 

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.   



Are you ready????? 


This man would be only 59 years old!!!! 

p.s.  Being older than that, I could add a bunch of other things to this list.  Max

LITTLE PEOPLE

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

AGING AND AGE

George Carlin's Views on Aging Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. 'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40,REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.' Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! HOW TO STAY YOUNG 1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.' 2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. 3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's. 4. Enjoy the simple things. 5. Laugh often, long and loud . Laugh until you gasp for breath. 6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive. 7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music,plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge. 8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. 9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is. 10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

First Grade Children

A 1st grade school teacher presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses

until they stop running.

2. Strike while the

bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but

How?

6. Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

7. No news is

impossible

8. A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new

Math

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust

Me.

12. The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13. An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

15. Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is

not much.

17. Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box

24. When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.

25. A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than

Pregnant !

ESTATE PLANNING

Dave was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men. --

Shalom/Salaam/Pax! Rowland Croucher

http://jmm.aaa.net.au/ (20,000 articles 4000 humor)

Funny Jokes and Pics - http://funnyjokesnpics.blogspot.com/

UP

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages).

There is a two-letter word in English that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP'. It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for re-election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now ......... my time is UP, so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? U P

Now I'll shut up :-)

(Stolen from John Mark Ministries-see link above.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

LISTENING

Grandpa was visiting his daughter's family. After lunch, he told the family he'd be back in 15 minutes, that he was going to take a walk around the block. Two hours later, he returned. "Sorry I'm late," he said, "but I ran into an old friend and he just wouldn't quit listening."

(Thanks  to Joe Mckeever)

MOSES

Question: "Why was Moses not able to enter the Promised Land?"

Answer:    "He could not come up with five other paying passengers."

(Only preachers and a few others are likely to 'get this'.)